Bella versus Bella
by Gamma Orionis
Summary: Victoria meets Bellatrix and decides that they would make a good Bella-killing team. READ IF YOU HATE TWILIGHT!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: My favourite HP character meets up with with my favourite Twilight character (read: only Twilight character I did not want to smack constantly through the series. Just my opinion. Don't hate). By the way, I refuse to explain what the Hell Bellatrix is doing in Washington. IF YOU DON'T LIKE TWILIGHT TO BE MOCKED, DO NOT READ THIS. It will be mocked even more in coming chapters.

Disclaimer: In no way do I own either of these characters. However, if J. K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer happens to be reading this and you would be interested in selling them…

)O(

Good lord, this town was dreary.

Victoria stared with distaste at the drink she had had to buy to be allowed to sit in the coffee shop. Normally she would have skulked outside and waited for the first person to come out, but today, Victoria wasn't just waiting to feed. She was looking for people who would make good vampires.

"Mind if I sit here?"

Victoria's head snapped up. Standing on the other side of the table was a tall, quite pretty woman. She had spoken with a British accent, and a tone of authority, as if to say, _you'll bloody well let me sit here if I want to_.

Victoria shrugged.

The woman settled at the table and set down her mug of coffee. Victoria watched with mild interest as she pulled a silver flask and took a gulp of the contents. Seeing Victoria watching, she grinned devilishly.

"Want some?"

"What is it?"

"Firewhiskey."

Victoria had never heard of that. She sniffed the air, but it was so clouded with the scents of all these people that she couldn't tell what the drink smelt like.

"No, thank you," Victoria said, and went back to staring at her coffee.

"Suit yourself." The woman took another sip. "I'm Bellatrix, by the way.."

Victoria snarled. "Bella."

Bellatrix raised an eyebrow. "Only to my friends. And you are?"

"Victoria," Victoria said curtly.

Bellatrix shrugged and continued to drink.

_That nonchalance… that charisma… she could be just what I need._

"What is your story?" Victoria said abruptly.

Bellatrix raised the other eyebrow. "Who wants to know?"

"Me."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"All right, then." Bellatrix capped her flask, folded both her hands on the table, and looked Victoria in the eye. "I'm a witch, part of an organization called the Death Eaters dedicated to the purification of wizarding blood. I have two younger sisters, but one of them went off and married a Mudblood. I'm married to a man with a brain the size of a walnut, and I'm in love with the Dark Lord. What about you? What's your story?"

Victoria stared dumbfounded at the other woman. Was she serious?

"I'm a vampire," Victoria said, deciding that it didn't sound any more absurd than the nonsense this Bellatrix had just spouted out. "My mate was killed by a tribe called the Cullens, and now I am on a revenge mission, seeking out the wi- sorry, I mean, the bitch that caused all this."

"Really?" Bellatrix looked interested. "What are you going to do to her?"

"Kill her, of course."

"Sounds like fun," Bellatrix said wistfully. "I'm not allowed to kill anymore…"

"What?"

"Oh, my husband got all bent out of shape after I killed his mistress." Bellatrix waved her hand unconcernedly. "He put a spell on me so I can't kill witches or wizards anymore. Muggles are still okay, but they're so _boring_."

"What in the name of all that is good and decent is a muggle?"

"Non-magic person." Bellatrix wrinkled her nose. "So… tell me, who is it you're going to kill?"

"Her name is Bella Swan."

"Auror?"

"What?" Victoria blinked in confusion.

"This Bella Swan, is she an auror? Oh, wait, you Americans must have another word for it. Er… is Bella Swan a professional killer of Dark witches and wizards?"

"She's, um, human," Victoria said lamely. "Just… normal human."

Bellatrix let out a shriek of laughter.

"Your mate got killed by a _muggle_?" she howled. "What sort of vampire are _you_?"

"I'm better than the Cullens," Victoria said darkly. Tears of mirth were running down Bellatrix's cheeks, and Victoria considered ripping her throat out. "They don't even drink human blood."

Bellatrix actually fell out of her chair, and convulsed with laughter on the floor.

"People are staring," Victoria growled.

"Don't drink human blood!" Bellatrix laughed. "Oh that's a good one! Vampires that don't drink blood! Hilarious!"

Victoria stood up and headed for the door. She had had enough of this maniac.

"Wait, wait!" Bellatrix clambered off the floor and chased Victoria out into the rain. "Hang on, if this Bella Swan is a muggle, and you want her dead, I can help! Can I help?"

"Go away," Victoria said coldly. "You're out of your mind."

"Really?" Bellatrix smirked, and pulled a long bent stick from her purse. "Watch this, Vicky."

She pointed it at a man who was walking across the street. "_Avada Kedavra_."

There was a burst of green light, and the man fell to the ground. Bellatrix strode over to him, and pointed the stick at his neck. A gash appeared, and crimson blood spilled out onto the road.

Victoria was on him immediately, lapping the blood up as fast as it dripped from the cut. When she had sucked him completely dry, she looked up at Bellatrix, a bloody grin smeared on her face.

"We," she said, straightening, "are going to be a great team."

"Damn straight," Bellatrix said with a fake American twang.

)O(

A/N this is going to get funnier, I swear.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's notes: Just so you know, I no problem with Mormons. In fact, one of my best friends is Mormon. What I have a problem with is Mormon books that aren't billed as such, especially when they are badly written adolescent fantasies with priggish, Mary-Sue protagonists.

)O(

"How can this be hard?"

Bellatrix was exasperated, she was restless, and she was distracting Victoria. The two women were waiting outside Forks high school for the school day to end.

"Shut up," Victoria snarled.

"But I just don't understand how you haven't managed to kill her yet," Bellatrix whined. "She's just a muggle, and not a very good one at that."

"She's got the Cullens protecting her," snapped Victoria.

"Oh, yes. How horrifying. Shiny… _vampires,_" Bellatrix drew exaggerated quotation marks in the air with her fingers, "who don't drink blood. That really is a frightening thought."

"Oh shut up."

"_Please_." Bellatrix twirled her wand between her fingers. "They're pathetic."

"Like you can talk. Wouldn't be so brave without that stick in your hand."

Bellatrix looked offended. "That isn't true. I could kill them without my wand."

"No you couldn't."

"I could!"

"You couldn't."

"I bet I could!"

"All right," Victoria said impatiently. "You're on. I'll bet you that you can't kill them both without your wand."

"What should we bet?" Bellatrix asked.

"That depends," Victoria said. "How do you feel about werewolves?"

"Hate them, filthy animals."

"Well, I know where there's a whole reserve full of them. If you kill Edward Cullen and Bella Swan without your wand, then I'll show you where they are. You can do whatever you want to them."

"Werewolves!" Bellatrix scoffed. "I'll bet these werewolves are as pathetic as these Cullens. Oh, let me guess, they don't change at the full moon and can read each other's minds."

Victoria didn't say anything.

"Yeah, okay," Bellatrix said. "That sounds good. And, if I don't manage to kill them both without my wand, then… you can go back to England and take my place."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"I thought you were all depressed because your mate James died."

"I am."

"Well, if you go back to England and say that you're me, then the Dark Lord will sleep with you. It'll take your mind right off this James person."

"Okay," Victoria said. She stuck out her hand and Bellatrix shook it.

Just then, the final bell at Forks High school rang, and the students came pouring out.

"Here's your chance. Think you can pick them out?" Victoria smirked. There was no way that this British newcomer would be able to tell which of the students were Edward and Bella.

"That depends," said Bellatrix. "Is Edward the one who looks like his shoes are too tight?"

Victoria craned her neck. "No, that's Jasper."

"Oh. Then Edward must be the one with the abominably bad fake-American accent and the poorly applied makeup."

"Right," said Victoria grudgingly.

"Ah, so Bella must be the epileptic one with the 'Mormon prig' sign taped to her back."

"If by epileptic you mean keeps blinking and raising her eyebrows every two sentences, then yes, that's Bella."

"No problem," Bellatrix grinned. "They'll be dead by sundown. Better get the directions to the werewolf farm ready."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Be warned, I wrote most of this while on a massive sugar high. By the way, pity me. I had to watch the Twilight trailer repeatedly online in order to get Bella and Edward's mannerisms right. If you don't want to see Edward, Bella, Rob Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Twilight or Stephenie Meyer insulted, but have read this far despite my warnings and are offended… well, honestly, if you've ignored me this much, then I don't actually give a damn what you think. Flame away if it makes you feel better. You know I'm right.

)O(

Bellatrix followed them as the walked into the woods for no apparent reason. When they reached an appropriately secluded and geographically improbable clearing, Bella Swan stopped. Edward stopped, turning his head inexplicably so that the camera captured his heavily gelled and styled hair to its best effect. Bellatrix stopped.

"I th-think we are being followed," Bella Swan whined, in a wonderful impression of a depressed and hopeless seven-year-old.

"You unintelligent human girl," Edward said in his terrible faux-American accent. "If someone was here, I would be able to hear their thoughts. I cannot hear anyone's thoughts, so there is no one here."

"B-but I thought I saw–"

"Remember, Bella," Edward said, stroking her hair condescendingly, "you are a human girl. I am a vampire man. Obviously you are wrong and I am right."

Bellatrix groaned. _Men_!

"I heard s-something!" Bella Swan whined. "Look, there is s-someone standing over there!"

She pointed at Bellatrix. Edward turned around slowly.

He sniffed the air. He stared at Bellatrix, with an expression of great intensity that also resembled vague constipation. Then he ran away from Bella Swan and threw himself at Bellatrix's feet.

"I cannot hear your thoughts," he tried to scream, but succeeded only in speaking a slightly more angry sounding constipated fake-American voice, clutching the hem of her dress. "I have a paranoid urge to know your thoughts. Please be wine. I mean, mine. I love you."

"Edward…" Bella Swan whined.

"Let me watch you while you sleep while I try to figure out what you are thinking."

"Aren't you seventeen?" Bellatrix asked, mildly repulsed.

"I am one hundred and seven years old."

"Pedophile," Bellatrix muttered. "And people say the age gap between the Dark Lord and me is too big."

"Let me stalk you while pretending it's for your own good," he continued in a tone that was expressionless, although he was clearly attempting not to sound like a robot. "Let me manipulate you by withholding sex until you marry me. Let me demonstrate my ability to epitomize the abusive spouse. Let me obsess about what you are thinking. I want to learn."

"You want to know what I'm thinking?" Bellatrix asked, leaning down so her face was level with Edward's. He nodded intensely.

Bellatrix ceased to employ occlumency.

Edward suffered an aneurysm.

"How the Hell can he suffer an aneurysm? He doesn't have blood!" Bellatrix asked the narrator.

"He has blood when it suits God– I mean, Stephenie Meyer!" Bella Swan whined, while standing uselessly on the sidelines.

"Which explains how Bella Swan gets knocked up," added the narrator, inexplicably violating the fourth wall.

Bella Swan fainted at the thought of getting "knocked up". Bellatrix kicked her.

"You sleep with him?" Bellatrix wrinkled her nose. "He's an effing vampire. That's creepy. Even for comparative sluts like myself, that's creepy."

"Your lack of good Mormon morals has killed my true love." Bella Swan whined, heedless of the insult. "Your thoughts caused him to suffer an aneurysm."

"Yeah, well, he should know better than to poke his heavily made up nose into other people's brains."

"I love him." Bella Swan whined.

"Oh please." Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "You don't even know him. Didn't."

"I know him to the very depths of his soul!" Bella whined, in an attempt to sound literate.

"Oh yeah? Do you even know his favourite book?"

"Um… no."

"Colour?"

"No…"

"Former last name?"

"Don't think so."

"Then shut up," Bellatrix said, setting Edward on fire with a cigarette lighter. "Go jump off a cliff or something."

Bella Swan obligingly jumped off a cliff that had conveniently appeared next to where she was standing, because in Forks, geography ceases to exist.

"Vicky!" yelled Bellatrix, brushing the ash that had once been Edward off her hands. "I win! Now, I want to kill werewolves!"


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Having fun? I am.

There should be a new chapter soon, with werewolf murder (Mwa ha ha ha! Die, Jacob, die!)

)O(

"Nice job," Victoria commented, peering over the temporary geographic anomaly that Bella Swan had jumped off of.

"Yeah," Bellatrix said. "Told you I'd get them. Now I want my prize. Werewolf time."

"Okay." Victoria poked at the Edward-ash, then stood up and brushed off her hands. "Yeah. Time to go kill werewolves."

Bellatrix jumped up and down and squealed with excitement. Victoria raised her eyebrow.

"Don't raise your eyebrows," said the narrator. "You look like Bella Swan."

"I think the situation demands it," Victoria told the narrator. "Are you watching her?"

"Bellatrix, stop jumping," the narrator said severely.

Bellatrix stopped jumping. She started to spin instead.

"Want to kill werewolves!" She threw out her arms and whirled in dizzy circles. "Want to kill werewolves!"

"Do stop making a fool of yourself," Victoria groaned.

"But I want to kill them!"

"Yes, yes, yes." Victoria grabbed Bellatrix's arm and forced her to stop.

"Ow," Bellatrix complained.

"Oh, calm down," Victoria snapped. "Kindly do not act like a mental case."

"You're one to talk," Bellatrix said, prying Victoria's fingers off her arm. "You're not exactly right in the head."

"Yeah, now that I think about it, we're actually stunningly similar characters," said Victoria, in a line that has no purpose except to lead into an explanation of the narrator's suspicion about Stephenie Meyer.

"Yes." Bellatrix tugged at a lock of Victoria's curly red hair and smiled condescendingly. "You're just like a redheaded, American me."

"Well, maybe you're a Goth, British _me_," Victoria grumbled, yanking on one of Bellatrix's black curls.

"Nuh-uh. I was killing my cousin way before you were stalking Bella Swan."

"Also, Stephenie Meyer has a blatant Bellatrix Lestrange fetish that she feeds by naming her heroine after her and making her villain a carbon copy of her instead of just getting a account to write about her like normal people, because she is a sexually repressed Mormon who doesn't want to admit she's fascinated by someone as evil as Bellatrix," said the narrator conversationally, walking through the scene for no reason other than to voice her views on Ms Meyer's above stated Bellatrix Lestrange fetish in a stunning run-on sentence.

Bellatrix shuddered. Victoria leapt back.

"Well, that's very creepy," Bellatrix said. "I don't want to be a fetish object for a repressed Mormon."

"Welcome to my world," Victoria said. "Feel dirty yet?"

"Quite," Bellatrix nodded. "I think I'll consign myself to a life of celibacy in an attempt to purify myself."

"Good idea," Victoria said.

"Or, I mean, I would, if I wasn't a slut."

"Yeah."

There was a pause. Then Victoria cleared her throat.

"Killing werewolves."

"Right. Let's get started!" Bellatrix grinned.

"Get on my back."

Bellatrix eyed Victoria. "Um, sorry. I know I just said I'm a slut, but I'm already married, and cheating on my husband, and I'm actually not into girls except in odd fanfictions–"

"What the H– no, not like that! I need to carry you to the werewolf farm."

"Oh. That's weird. Why can't I just walk?"

"Because I can run fast. You don't want to have to wait, do you?"

"_What_? You can _run fast_? Is that another '_vampire'_," she wiggled her fingers in exaggerated quotation marks again because the narrator, like Stephenie Meyer, likes to reuse phrases that were only vaguely interesting the first time, "trait?"

"Yes."

"My God!" Bellatrix shook her head, exasperated. "Is there anything you '_vampires'_ can't do? You can go without blood, you can run really fast, you're stupidly strong, your skin is supposedly indestructible, you can go out in the sun… what _can't_ you do?"

"Apparently, effectively strategize against werewolves and Cullens," Victoria said.

)O(

A/N: No insult meant to anyone except Stephenie Meyer and her sycophants. By the way, am I the only one who thinks that she has a Bellatrix fetish?


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes: Now, I am not enough of a masochist to watch New Moon all the way through, and I blotted out the parts of Eclipse with Jacob in them, so I'm sure Taylor Lautner has hundreds of irritating mannerisms that I just don't know about. Unfortunately, this means I was painfully short on mocking material for this chapter. So basically there's only one big movie-Jacob joke. Oh well.

)O(

"So," Bellatrix said, climbing off Victoria's back, "Where are these alleged werewolves?"

"They live over there," Victoria said, pointing at a cluster of small, low houses. "Oh, and that one there is the first one you should kill. Bye."

Victoria retreated, leaving Bellatrix looking at a very muscular stereotyped Injun – er, Native American.

"Who are you?" he said, taking off his shirt.

Bellatrix looked at him with some confusion.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I am Jacob Black," he said, taking off his shirt.

Bellatrix's eyebrows shot up.

"Oh my," she said. "Er… were you adopted, by any chance?"

"I don't know… maybe." Jacob Black took off his shirt.

"Erm… yes." Bellatrix cleared her throat uncomfortably. "And… were you by any chance, born with wolf-like qualities? Because if so, Remus is going to be in for one hell of a shock… and I'll be having a stern talk with that adoption agency… I specifically told them to change your last name…"

"What are you talking about?" Jacob asked, taking off his shirt.

"Hm? Oh, just that I think you might be the product of a one-night stand between me and Remus Lupin."

Jacob, not knowing what to say to this, said nothing and took his shirt off instead.

"So… any wolf-like qualities?"

"Yes. I am a werewolf," he said, taking off his shirt.

"_You're_ a werewolf?" she asked, eyes wide with pleasant surprise. "You don't look like a werewolf. Then again, this Meyer hack wouldn't know a werewolf if it ate her alive... which reminds me, I have a little job for Greyback when I get back to England... but still... Why, you're just a cute little puppy dog!"

He took off his shirt.

"Awww…" Bellatrix's face melted into a sappy smile. "Cute widdow doggy-woggy… does doggy woggy want a doggy treat?" She ruffled his hair.

"What the Hell?" he said, taking off his shirt.

"Maybe if you're a good doggy I'll give you to my niece," Bellatrix continued, scratching behind his ears.

He looked suddenly interested, while taking his shirt off.

"How old is your niece?" he asked.

"Oh… twentyish, I think," Bellatrix said. The so-called werewolf's face fell and he took his shirt off.

"I was hoping for someone younger. Like, one," he said.

"What does Mormonism say about pedophilia?" Bellatrix asked the narrator. "Because it certainly seems rampant in these books."

The narrator left the story to Google this.

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According to Google the omnipotent, Mormons have as harsh an idea of pedophiles as anyone else, but seem to be doing a superbly bad job of keeping them out of positions of power– guys?

This chapter has been cut prematurely short, because, while the author was communing with Google, Bellatrix tired of Jacob constantly taking off his shirt, and transformed him into a Chihuahua, which she then sold to Paris Hilton, making this the second most anticlimactic chapter ever written, beat only by the end of Breaking Dawn.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: So, so sorry for the long gap between chapters. I literally had to write the ending four times before I got it right. Enjoy! Epilogue still to come.

)O(

"I applaud you," Victoria said, looking at the smouldering ruins of La Push.

"This cigarette lighter has proven to be quite useful," Bellatrix commented, tossing it lightly in the air. "I must remember to thank… oh, wait, I think I killed the person I stole it from. Never mind."

"Well, thanks for your help," Victoria said. She stuck out her hand, and Bellatrix shook it.

"Hey," Bellatrix said, struck by a sudden idea, "want to come back to England with me? There's this kid that the Dark Lord wants dead, and, I dunno, fresh blood – no pun intended – might be helpful."

"What sort of kid?"

"His name's Harry Potter. I don't expect you've heard of him."

Victoria looked pointedly at the window of a bookshop, where there was a display of Harry Potter books in the window.

"Oh," said Bellatrix. "Hey, how come I don't get my own book?"

"Because your fans are way more fabulous and devoted than Harry's are?" suggested the narrator.

"I've always wanted to visit England," Victoria said.

Bellatrix squealed happily and jumped up and down. "Okay, take my hand."

Victoria raised her eyebrows.

"You're treading on proverbial thin ice," the narrator reminded her.

Victoria lowered her eyebrows and took Bellatrix's hand.

She was immediately put through the brief and painful process of apparition, the best for which the best that could be said was that, well, at least it wasn't a lengthy and painful process.

They appeared in front of a small, brick apartment. Victoria shook her head. "I'm not even going to ask how you did that."

"Good plan." Bellatrix stood up on tiptoe, and rapped on the window.

"Who's there?" someone called from inside.

"It's me, Bella!" Bellatrix said, leaning forward so that her forehead, her nose, and most of her chest were pressed against the pane.

"Come in, the door's unlocked!" the someone called. Bellatrix grabbed Victoria's wrist and dragged her inside.

"I'm in here!"

Bellatrix stopped just short of the door to a bedroom, and turned to Victoria.

"How do I look?" she asked breathlessly.

Victoria appraised her. Her curly black hair had some ash in it from burning down La Push. There was a smear of grime on her collarbone, she was grinning ecstatically and her chest was mostly exposed by the low-cut neckline of her dress.

"Like a crazy-mad whore?" Victoria suggested.

Bellatrix hugged her quickly. "You know just the right things to say. Now come on in. I want you to meet the Dark Lord."

Victoria entered the room with some trepidation. Bellatrix had no such qualms. She ran right into the room, and jumped into the arms of the noseless, red-eyed man who was sitting on the bed there.

"Miss me, Master?" Bellatrix asked, rubbing up and down his chest.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, craning his neck. "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Victoria," Bellatrix said dismissively. She wrapped her arms around his neck and twisted so she was sitting across his lap. "She's an American vampire. She's going to help kill Potter. Vicky, this is Voldemort, Master, this is Vicky. Now, let's master-"

"An American vampire?" Voldemort asked curiously. "Wow. She's got great eyes."

Bellatrix pouted.

"Um," Victoria said rather awkwardly, "I'm sort of… not looking for anyone at the moment…"

"Oh." Voldemort looked crushed. Bellatrix stuck his hand down the front of her dress and he rallied immediately. "So… you want to help kill Potter? How?"

"I was thinking I'd suck his blood," Victoria shrugged. "That'd work, right?"

"Sounds good," Voldemort agreed. "Any idea what time?"

"Oh, any old time."

"She can even go out in daylight," Bellatrix added. "She's practically invincible."

"She's pretty great herself." Victoria indicated Bellatrix.

"Oh, it was nothing…" Bellatrix began modestly.

"Don't sell yourself short," Victoria said. "You should have seen her, Voldemort. She killed a vampire without even using magic, and burned down a whole reserve full of werewolves."

"Good job, Bella," Voldemort praised. He squeezed her breast and she smiled happily.

"Great," Victoria said, looking away. "So… where's this kid you want dead? I'll get him."

"Oh, we should introduce her to the others first," Bellatrix said.

"Yes, good idea," said Voldemort. He pulled his hand out of the front of Bellatrix's dress and pressed his fingers to the tattoo on her arm. Victoria looked at them questioningly, although she refrained from raising her eyebrows.

"That summons the other Death Eaters," Bellatrix explained, as people began appearing. "That's Lucius, and that's Narcissa, and that's–"

"Ah! Weasley!" yelled Rodolphus Lestrange. "Avada Kedavra!"

Victoria fell over, dead.

"Shit," said Voldemort.

"And that's my husband," Bellatrix finished.


	7. Epilogue

Some weeks later:

Rodolphus has been murdered for killing Victoria

Voldemort has married the now-single Bellatrix

Harry Potter is still alive

Victoria is living in Hell, where she is punished eternally by sharing a room with Bella Swan and Edward Cullen

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are in Hell, where they are being punished eternally by sharing a room with Victoria

Jacob has been run over by a car

Forks, Washington is in a state of panic, because of the death of two students

Oh yeah, and a bunch of Injuns too

The narrator is finished wandering in and out of Forks

)O(

Fin

)O(

Did you like? Please tell me! My studies have shown that an average of only one in sixty five people who reads a story reviews it. That's sad. Break the pattern and review! Also, if you enjoyed this, you might be interested in "The Great Bella Body Switch".


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